A Poem and a Prayer
by Zurizip
Summary: A Poem, same as before, but followed by a prayer.
1. A Poem

**Angels**

They say I am followed

Heart mind and soul

By the spirit of god

To make my cup full

No spirit follows me

Beside my own

Angels do not surround me

But my soul has still flown

I've traveled deep valleys

And found my own way

To cleansing rain of springtime

And bright dancing day

They ask why?

They ask how?

How can you not feel his love?

How can you not hear his word?

I look around

At the innocence

Ruined in God's name

And without penitence

I point to the ghosts

They lurk in the darkness

I ask what of them?

Have you forgotten their sacrifice?

They lie forgotten

Conveniently Aside

If not for the angels

They might still be alive

The say I am followed

Nay, I walk ignored

A member of the lost

Glanced over, scorned

How?  How?

Oh how can I express?

The pain of your words

The anguish I suppress

I cannot accept

A god who allows hate

Who condemns all

Who do not wish for his fate

I will wander these paths

I shall accept the cost

Though I wander far and wide

Not all who wander are lost

You may keep the beaten path

But do not hinder me

Your freedom is my prison

You desert my living sea


	2. A Prayer

Dear God,

            Well.  If your listening, you know me.  I won't bother with introductions and such, and I don't want anything, really…

            Ok, so there are some things I want, none of them material, but I don't know that you can give them to me.  People tell me you can give eternal love, no matter what I do, but I don't want your love, really.  I have quite enough love of the sort that you would give me.  I have friends, a family that cares for me, the respect of a few people.  I'm just lonely in the sense of a man and a woman.  But the whole problem is, I don't know if I could trust anyone that much.  You know what happened to me, you know why I've lost faith in love to some extent.  

            I've also lost faith in you.  I don't know exactly when it happened, but I do know that it has.  My parents suspect, I'm sure, but they don't mind.  My dad was atheist for awhile, even.  But, let's please not talk about him.  Only some of my friends know, and with those who don't, well, I don't tell them unless they ask.  

            Before we go any further, I would like to apologize.  I said once that if you gave me the one thing that I wanted then, I'd believe in you, with all of my heart and soul.  But it happened, and…well, life intruded.  I wish that I could make up my mind.  I don't quite believe in you, and yet here I am apologizing with tears in my eyes.  I feel bad about deceiving my enemies, imagine how I feel with probably the most powerful being anywhere.

            But that's where my bone to pick lies.  I know you don't have complete control over your diciples, I know you (supposedly) made us who we are, so why did you even tempt us with the fall?  Knowing what I know, even in my short 16 years, I know that the one thing that is unattainable is exactly what we all crave.  You made us that way.  

I'm not pointing fingers.  The fall, I believe, had its up sides.  We may now know hate, violence, ugliness, and the horror of sin, but we also appreciate love, and beauty and holiness more.  Is that how you meant it to be?  Or were we to perpetually be in peace, comfort, and beauty, never knowing how amazing it truly was?  If evil is present, is it really so that we may turn to you?  But to some extent, you are the cause of the evil.  I'm sorry, but in my eyes, you are a small portion of it.  Was it the first commandment that insists that we only believe in you?  That is where all of the trouble started.  It is said that the commander who asks things of his troupe is more loved than the one that orders.  You did amazing things to garner love, but I can't help but see those you sent to death for the simple act of believing in what they're heart told them to.  And I know that this has happened.  I suppose a vengeful god is a good thing to have for a king with unruly people, but your supposed to be loving, aren't you?  Which reminds me, don't you ever get tired of your own race?  As I see it, many of us worship one god, but everyone has a different name.  But, whether all of these names are you or not, they fight over which one is right.  Is it really all you?  This is why I can't place my trust in you, since you…you've deceived all of these people, sending them to death for a lie that they believe in so firmly.

            Oh God, I'm so sorry.  Everything that happens on this world reflects what you've done, good or bad.  And most of it is what we've made of you, not what you've told us.  A little girl cheered me up a day ago, with simple words and big blue eyes.  And her mother laughed with me, and it was beautiful.  But then I saw the sunset, the new moon, the leaves on my tree, and it all seems so amazing.  I can't, simply can't, give to the one who supposedly made it all.  Because I've never heard anyone say to preserve the earth you made in your name.  I've spoken of the death done in you name, but maybe with you name, other lives could be saved.  Because no ones ever mentioned to me how angry God would be if an entire species that you crafted with his own hands was wiped out for their feathers, or skin, or horns, or just annoyance at their flocks.  No one has ever mentioned in the senate how god would look down on us if we were to ruin your lands in Alaska.  The only see the money, and the power.

            This isn't to say that I look down on you in all respects, God.  I do have respect for you.  Because I've been in a church, and looked up during prayer, seeing all of the people murmuring words of peace and love, in unison.  It's so beautiful what your love has done, its saved the blind and deaf, from donations of the churches, and the people crying when they are baptized for the first time.  I've seen weddings that are beautiful and perfect…

            But I've also seen them torn apart.  And the one wedding that I've been too that is still alive, thriving, and perfect was…was, apparently, wrong.

            You see, God, I was a flower girl at the marriage of two men.

            And they are still the most perfect relationship I've seen.  The only other, though heterosexual, wasn't married at all.

            Why?

            Why do you condemn the two relationships that are sinful?  My own parents haven't worked out half as well as either of them.  I just can't understand why that is.  Living in sin is supposed to be hurtful to your spirit in some way shape, form or idea., isn't it?  

            But if there is no abuse, and no obsession, then how could love be sinful?  

           God, if you're listening, I have changed my mind.  I do want one thing.  I don't want understanding, I know my limits.  But I want to be able to stand up and say that I believe in you.  But I also want to be able to say that I don't like you.  Because you are simply too powerful, too much.  So many would give so much to be able to hear your voice, to feel your grace.  But, though I want grace, and happiness, I would rather…I would rather be left to my life, to live as my own, and not as yours.  I guess I'm afraid of being controlled.  I will give you respect, as I do now, but right now, if I said that I believed, and loved, I would be lying.  That, to me, would be greater than attending church and singing false hymns and saying false prayers.

            I suppose, over all, I'm asking for time.  I know you have that in greatness, but I don't know that I do.  Life is so uncertain here, and is getting worse.  And the only thing that I hold to is the color of the human spirit, a bright array of darks and lights, changing at whim and overwhelmed by your shadow.  Everyone is touched.  Some are stifled, some are lifted, but either way, all are touched.  I want time, and I want Love to be able to judge.  No, not judge, Love to forgive.  I want to know what it is to have my heart broken while he knows exactly what he is doing.  Maybe it will feel the same as it has the past two times, but I don't know.  For both of those times that my heart has been broken, there have been few memories of how it was before.  There were the reminders of childhood life, but they are sad.  I don't know exactly what I'm asking for, God, but I hope you do.  

            And I hope that as I am struggling to forgive you for all of the hate and hurt I see in your name, that you will forgive me for seeing it at all, for I know it is not your fault entirely.  This age has brought much discord, and I know that you cannot control some of it.  I guess that's all God.  I wish I could forgive and forget, but I've learned that that only opens to relive and regret.  I can't do it.  Not yet.  Maybe someday, I'll find someone that will teach me what your love is.  Perhaps I'd push him away though.  Let's take it one day at a time.

            Oh yes.  And one thing.  If I ever do find the strength to find your path again, do not expect me to repent for the one I walk now.  I have few regrets, for this has taught me much.  I have sinned less than many, except for the road that I am on.

            Maybe I've made you angry, happy, sad, maybe I've even made you think.  But I doubt any of this could move you.  If it could, than maybe I'd already have the answers to all my questions already.  

            But on the subject of Love, and yes, I know, we've passed that by already, why didn't you ever have anyone for your own?  Is it because you are supreme and all?  Don't you get lonely?  I don't know, maybe its because I can't imagine life without love, that I can't imagine you without someone.  But perhaps you take up all the love in your heart with us?  After all, that has to be…well…quite a task.  Daunting really.  I feel a pull to humanity due to being part of it, but to love all of us?  Oy vay…  Well, I never asked to be a God.  Never wanted to be, really, though the whole playing with lightning bolts did always sound interesting.

            But life rolls on, as usual, and I'm just another pebble it happens to roll over.  The river still flows, and I, a grain of sand, can only watch its current as it wears away the rocks near me and slowly takes me to sea.  I suppose, in this grand metaphor, you would be the damn master, deciding the flow of the water.  But I dislike damns in real life.  So yes, I suppose that this is proper.  Well, I hope that you existence (I can't very well call it life, now can I?)  is pleasant (though how I've no notion) and that you understand everything I've written, and the meaning between the lines.

            Goodbye until next time,

            ~Kat~


End file.
